Okay, this is going to be a hard one for me to post. After the retreat I had a breakthrough – a big one. I ended up writing about it by hand with two cats purring by my feet, while sitting in the sun. So, I’m just going to type what I wrote. The breakthrough happened on the same day that I went to the Botanical Adventures Garden. I promised myself that I was going to go ‘deep’ in the blog in order to be absolutely transparent and authentic to my Self. Here goes:
11/15. I woke up feeling ‘off.’ I couldn’t really put my finger on it – just felt off. I pulled my daily Tarot card (I pull one a day, pull a clarifier card if necessary, and do full readings for myself on each change of phase of the moon). On this day, I pulled one of the Major Arcanas – XV The Devil. Oof! I pulled a second card for clarification – XVI The Tower – reversed (upside down). Oof again!
The Devil card can be about limiting beliefs and negative thought patterns. The Tower card reversed is about personal transformation but can also indicate resistance to change.
I reached out to River to see if I could get a reading today but the stars didn’t align for today. He suggested I sit with the cards and see what came up.
So, I went to a botanical garden nearby to go for a peaceful walk. It rained a lot today which somehow made the day feel more peaceful.
I was feeling pretty sad actually. And I felt very alone. I’ve avoided using this word – I believe out of fear that using it would make it real – but honestly for the past few days I have felt lonely. This is something that I’ve had a very hard time admitting to myself. I like to portray myself as strong and happy and it’s been very hard to admit to the loneliness. I had a memory come up of a time I was in Timaru, New Zealand where I also felt very alone.
Interestingly, when I was at the botanical gardens, I received a map that showed a waterfall nearby. So after I was done walking I took the drive up there. There is something interesting about the big island of Hawaii. There is no excess pavement on non-main roads. Most roads are wide enough for one car, although there is usually grass on both side should you encounter someone coming the other way.
Anyway, as I was driving the short distance to the falls, there was a group of about 20 Saffron Finches that were playing chicken in the road. They would land 10 feet in front of me so I had to slow down to 10mph or come to a full stop, and then when I would get close they would fly another 10 ft away and do the same thing. They did this for about a half mile. And, one time when I had stopped for the birds, a huge dragonfly flew in front of the car, right at my face level, and hovered there and just looked directly in my eyes. It honestly was a bit unnerving.
I heard Spirit tell me that I’m never alone and that I’m always supported. As I’ve been writing this I’ve had 2 cats – Gobo and Freddie – sitting at my feet purring.
So, I witnessed the falls. Very beautiful, powerful and majestic. There was a group of about 6 teens with a guy driving them around. I took their photo for them.
Afterwards I took a drive through the small town of Honomu. I’ll probably get lunch there sometime during my stay.
And then I got back to Mahana House. Gobo was waiting for me out front. Linda, who works here part time, was out so I stopped to talk to her. She was asking me about what my career was before I retired. When I told her Nuclear Engineering, she asked me to describe what being one entailed work-wise. Then she asked me about what happened at Fukushima. And she asked me about how did I like retirement.
Then our conversation took a turn. I got very emotional and told her I felt lonely. People who know I’m on this journey may think “oh my gosh how lucky is she to be in Hawaii” and, yes, I am. But being alone and lonely is the same wherever you are. Linda pointed out, rightly, that being in paradise can make the loneliness even stronger. Yes, it does. And, Linda reminded me, feeling emotions reminds us that we are human and we are alive.
I know I am at this location – a beautiful country inn with almost no cell signal, and no TV other that Netflix, and few people, because this is where I belong right now at this moment. This is my medicine. I need to admit my vulnerability to myself, embrace it, and love it, and my Self.
I feel my heart breaking. Breaking open. It’s been closed for so long. It’s been opening and I thought I was ‘done’ but I’m not. (Are we ever ‘done’ opening our heart? Now I don’t think so)
In an interesting side note, in the common area here there are a lot of books to borrow. I picked one up today – saw it a few days ago but didn’t feel pulled to grab it then. “Love is Letting Go of Fear” by Gerald G. Jampolsky MD. There are some exercises in it that I’ve been doing. What great timing!
Thank you Great Spirit for showing me your presence and reminding me that I am not alone. Thank you for showing me so many signs of beauty. And thank you for bring me on this journey. What an incredible opportunity.